Humor | Catalyst Quotes

Archive for the category “Humor”

17 Jan 2019

“Life is Funny; Laugh Like Hell”

“If you want an interesting party sometime, combine a few cocktails and a box of crayons.” (Robert Fulghum)

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“Three life rules guaranteed to bring you peace in life.
1. Keep your mouth shut.
2. Keep your big mouth shut.
3. Keep your stupid big mouth shut.” (Peter Weisz, The Universal Mind)

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“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” (Mae West)

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“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” (W. C. Fields)

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“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” (George Carlin)

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“A man of my acquaintance once wrote a poem called “The Road Less Traveled”, describing a journey he took through the woods along a path most travelers never used. The poet found that the road less traveled was peaceful but quite lonely, and he was probably a bit nervous as he went along, because if anything happened on the road less traveled, the other travelers would be on the road more frequently traveled and so couldn’t hear him as he cried for help. Sure enough, that poet is dead.” (Lemony Snicket, The Slippery Slope)

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“When I think of loyalty of pets, I think of Adam and Eve leaving paradise, followed by their dog.” (Robert Brault, Reflections)

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“From a diary: ‘Turning 80 this year – a first-ever for me. Will be new at it and will doubtless make beginner mistakes. But looking forward to the opportunity.’” (Robert Brault, Reflections)

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“If you can’t do anything about it, laugh like hell.” (David Cook)

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15 Jun 2014

“We Are Formed by Little Scraps of Wisdom from our Fathers”

“There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’” (Jim Gaffigan)

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“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” (Mark Twain)

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“I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.” (Umberto Eco)

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“A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.” (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)

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“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me.” (Jim Valvano)

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“Dance with My Father

Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence

My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then

Spin me around ‘til I fell asleep

Then up the stairs he would carry me

And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him

I’d play a song that would never, ever end

How I’d love, love, love

To dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree

To get my way, I would run from her to him

He’d make me laugh just to comfort me

Then finally make me do just what my mama said. (Excerpt from ‘Dance With My Father’ song by Luther Vandross, written by Richard Marx)

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“Wherever you are, wherever you go, whatever you say: Sow a seed of love.” (Enza Currenti)

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11 May 2014

“Happy Funny Mother’s Day”

Today is Mother’s Day and at many homes there are flowers, cards, gifts and memorials given to our mothers. We get sentimental and mushy and talk about how special our Mother is to us and we place her on a pedestal and look up to her and proclaim her to be the Queen of the Day. Our Mothers are all that but we also want to acknowledge the funny side of motherhood and how funny our Moms can be at times. Here are some funny quotes I’d like to share with you on this special Mother Day because sometimes parenting and being a Mother can be a funny thing. Happy Mother’s Day to all our funny mothers. (AP)

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“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” (Calvin Trillin)

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“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” (Phyllis Diller)

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“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air of the tires.” (Dorothy Parker)

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“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” (Jack Nicholson)

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“No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement.” (Florida Scott-Maxwell)

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“Don’t forget to pick up a bottle of wine for your Mom for Mother’s Day. After all, you’re one of the reasons she drinks.” (Anonymous)

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“Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease.” (Lisa Alther)

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“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” (Mark Twain)

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”In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and … mothers. Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.” (Bill Cosby)

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“If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” (Ferrell Sims)

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Posted in Attitude, Challenges, Children, Family, Humor, Inspiration, Life, Mothers, Quotes | Leave a comment

02 Feb 2014

“What’s That Sound? The Rustle of Super Bowl Week”

Taking a break from the usual ‘catalyst quotes,’ I have some quotes in light of today’s Super Bowl. Enjoy!

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“What was that sound? That rustling noise? It could be heard in the icy North, where there was not one leaf left upon one tree, it could be heard in the South, where the crinoline skirts lay deep in the mothballs, as still and quiet as wool. It could be heard from sea to shining sea, o’er purple mountains’ majesty and upon the fruited plain. What was it? Why, it was the rustle of thousands of bags of potato chips being pulled from supermarket racks; it was the rustle of plastic bags being filled with beer and soda pop and quarts of hard liquor; it was the rustle of newspaper pages fanning as readers turned eagerly to the sports section; it was the rustle of currency changing hands as tickets were scalped for forty times their face value and two hundred and seventy million dollars were waged upon one or the other of two professional football teams. It was the rustle of Super Bowl week…” (Tom Robbins)

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“What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.” (Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale)

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“I wanted a normal life, but normal was as foreign to me as a super bowl ring was to Tony Romo.” (Angela McPerson, Hope’s Decree)

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“Your life is not a movie, Pat. Life is not a movie. You’re an Eagles fan. After watching so many NFL seasons without a Super Bowl, you should know that real life often ends poorly.” (Matthew Quick)

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“Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six hour Super Bowl pre-game show.” (Nora Barry)

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31 Oct 2013

“Halloween Treat”

“There is a child in every one of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly-lit front porch.” (Robert Brault)

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“I think if human beings had genuine courage, they’d wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween. Wouldn’t life be more interesting that way? And now that I think about it, why the heck don’t they? Who made the rule that everybody has to dress like sheep 364 days of the year? Think of all the people you’d meet if they were in costume every day. People would be so much easier to talk to – like talking to dogs.” (Douglas Coupland, The Gum Thief)

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“I wish every day could be Halloween. We could all wear masks all the time. Then we could walk around and get to know each other before we got to see what we looked like under the masks.” (R. J. Palacio)

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“People give you a hard time about being a kid at twelve. They didn’t want to give you Halloween candy anymore. They said things like, ‘If this were the Middle-Ages, you’d be married and you’d own a farm with about a million chickens on it.’ They were trying to kick you out of childhood. Once you were gone, there was no going back, so you had to hold on as long as you could.” (Heather O’Neill, Lullabies for Little Criminals)

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“’Who are you writing to, Linus?’

‘This is the time of year to write to the Great Pumpkin. On Halloween Night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the children!’

‘You must be crazy! When are you going to stop believing in something that isn’t true?’

‘When *you* stop believing in that fellow with a red suit and the white beard who goes, Ho, ho, ho!’

‘We’re obviously separated by denominational differences.’” (Charles M. Schulz)

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“And that’s when I realized, when you’re a kid you don’t need a costume, you ARE superman.” (Jerry Seinfeld)

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19 Oct 2013

Funny Thoughts for Today – “A Few Cocktails and a Box of Crayons”

“If you want an interesting party sometime, combine a few cocktails and a box of crayons.” (Robert Fulghum)

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“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever.

The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else, so that they can feel this way, too.” (Lemony Snicket)

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“Next time my analyst says, ‘If you’re unhappy, whose fault do you suppose that is?’ — I got a list of names in my hip pocket.” (Robert Brault)

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“’You’re judged by the company you keep,’ said my father. ‘Your father hangs out with jackasses and drunks,’ said my mother.” (Author Unknown)

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“’He was his own best friend – always alone, but never lonely,’ said a sad widow of her dead ex-husband at his memorial service. ‘But I always thought when he was alone he was in bad company.’” (Anonymous)

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“God writes a lot of comedy … the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.” (Garrison Keillor)

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“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” (Victor Borge)

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“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” (Mae West)

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14 Dec 2012

“If Your Dad Asks You, “Am I Stupid?” … Don’t Answer Him”

It’s Friday and time for some Friday Funnies! Even though it is a gray and cloudy day with drizzle here at home, let’s brighten it up with some quotes to make us smile. Enjoy! ~ GM Universe

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“Draw a crazy picture. Write a nutty poem. Sing a mumble-gumble song. Whistle through your comb. Do a loony-goony dance ‘cross the kitchen floor. Put something silly in the world that ain’t been there before.” (Shel Silverstein)

“Families are like fudge … mostly sweet with a few nuts.” (Author Unknown)

“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.” (Ellen DeGeneres)

“Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full; I say, are you going to drink that?” (Lisa Claymen)

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” (Henny Youngman)

“When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him.” (Michael, age 14, ‘Advice from Kids’)

“I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.” (Yogi Berra)

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.” (Groucho Marx)

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.” (Ethel Barrymore)

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02 Dec 2012

Cowboy Fruit Cake Recipe + Anesthesia

As the holiday season begins and many prepare for the upcoming hustle and bustle and stress that is coming up, I wanted to share a ‘recipe’ for a “Cowboy Fruit Cake” that I ran across one day. Along with the recipe is a quote addressing a well known ‘anesthesia’ that a few resort to during the holiday to cope with the stress.

Please keep in mind that this post is done is jest. I wanted to give you some humor as we get ready to begin the new week. Enjoy! ~ GM Universe

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Recipe:

“You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it’s the highest quality, pour one level cup, and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Trun off the mixter. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Holy Happydaze!” (Author Unknown)

“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.” (George Bernard Shaw)

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23 Nov 2012

“An Old Farmer’s Advice”

At times, the best advice comes from simple folks. As you read the advice from an old farmer below, some of them may not make sense at first because of the “country talk” but think about them and great wisdom will come to you. Enjoy! ~ GM Universe

“An Old Farmer’s Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered … not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.” (www.appleseeds.org/)

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12 Nov 2012

2 Comments

“Laughter”

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” (Charlie Chaplin)

“If you know you’re going to look back on today and laugh, you might as well start laughing now.” (Unknown Author)

“Laughing at ourselves is possible when we are able to see humanity as it is – a little lower than the angels and at times only slightly higher than the apes.” (Tom Mullen)

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge – that myth is more potent than history. I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts – that hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.” (Robert Fulghum)

“I’ve always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, ‘Ain’t that the truth.’” (Quincy Jones)